Saturday, October 15, 2011

It Could Have Been Worse.

Saturday started out promising.
After a week hiatus,
I got into gear and cleaned like a maniac.

I scoured the kitchen,
did laundry,
mopped floors,
moved all my holiday stuff from one storage unit to another unit,
dropped unwanted stuff off at Good Will,
came home and started cleaning out the car,
which included transferring stuff from the car into the house.

In the middle of unloading,
I took a bathroom break,
leaving the front door to the house wide open.

I walked into the powder room which is right by the front entry,
and in a  Martha Stewart moment, left the door ajar.
Shocking, I know, but I was in a hurry.
Plus, no one was around, so I felt safe.

You think I would have learned my lesson 8 years ago,
when my 5-year-old neighbor with a Dennis the Menace personality
walked into that very bathroom while I was sitting upon the throne.
He was completely unphased by the fact that I was "busy"
as he said:
Hi!  Can I play with Eden's remote control car?
Awk. Ward.

Thankfully, Dennis did not walk in on me today.
He is now a teenager, and no longer visits.
But someone else did stop by unannounced,
A PITBULL!!!!!!!!

It walked right into my house!!!!!!
And pushed the bathroom door open with his nose!!!!

Good thing I was in the bathroom,
going to the bathroom,
or I would have peed my pants!

If you've been lurking here a while, you know I have canine issues,
but what I have not mentioned is that Pitbulls are on my
Top 10 Things I Fear List.

Although I am a dog-hater,
I know all of the dogs in my neighborhood.
This dog does not live around here.
I had no idea where he came from.

I freaked out!
Elphie freaked out too.
She went into attack mode,
all 6 pounds of her,
which make me even more freaked out,
because you never know what two dogs will do,
especially a Pit.

I screamed:
Oh my gosh!!!!!!  
Matt, get down here!!
There's a Pitbull in the house!!!!!!!
(He was upstairs taking a break from cleaning. 
When he heard the word Pitbull, he came running.
He loves dogs.)

My shrieks set the animal running.
He raced into the living room,
as I ran out the front door,
with my zipper down.

Meanwhile, my two kids sat on the sofa in the family room,
watching Sponge Bob re-runs on television,
oblivious to all that was going on around them.
Which means, I probably yell too much.

When  I got outside,
I looked up and down the sidewalk hoping to find the mystery visitor's owner.
There wasn't a soul in sight.
I am not proud of the thoughts I had as I stood there on the grass:

If that dog poops on my carpet,
I am going to have a cow!

What I should have been worrying about
were the two kids on the sofa!
But in my defense, I was not in my right mind.

Within minutes, a white beat up car drove slowly down the street.
It stopped in front of me.
A man in the front seat rolled down the window
and as calm as could be, said
Have you seen a dog wandering around here?

I responded, in a not-so-kind, shrilled voice:

Oh, I've see a dog wandering around here!
He wandered right into my house!!!!

SOooooo NOT COOL, YOU GUYS!!!!!!


I didn't swear,
cuz I'm not a swearing kind of woman,
but I sure came close,
that's how mad I was;
a strange Pitbull wandering around unleashed.

The man ran into my house calling after his pet
Here Beast . . . .  here Beast!
(That was comforting.)

I must have spaced out when I heard the name Beast,
because I don't remember a thing after that.
Weird huh!

The tender mercies in this hullabaloo:
The dog seemed nice, or so Matt tells me.
My family was not attacked.
And a dog pushed the bathroom door open,
not one of my children's friends.
They would never forgive me, if that happened.
I'd end up in an Alexis Stewart tell-all.

I've learned my lesson.
Did you Martha?
From this day forth,
I will keep the doors closed when I take a bathroom break.


P.S.   Alexis Stewart, I think you are mean.   Twenty years from now, your bladder control will not be as it is today, and when that happens, I hope your daughter writes a book about you peeing with the door open.


Angie said...

OMG. I would have died. Seriously. :)

Amanda said...

Oh wow - that is both hilariously funny and also scary! So glad nothing bad happened!

JeNeal said...

Oh my! the little kid --hilarious but the dog oh my i would have been terrified!!! Glad it wasn't vicious!!

Pieces of Luv

Pamela said...

I probably would have screamed so loud the owners of that dog would have heard me a mile away!

Bethany said...

See, I think you're just trying to top my "sex during pitbull near attack". Well played! Also, shudder.

Laura said...

I would have freaked out. When I was younger we had a paper route (learning responsibility and all of that), and while I was delivering a paper to one of the houses their large dog came bounding around the back of the house and bit the butt! I was okay, it left a little mark, but ever since them I've been very leery of dogs I don't know, no matter their size or breed.

Nanette said...

Alexis Stewart IS mean!!!!
And pitbulls terrify me! I am pretty sure in such a situation I would have made some are a better gal than me.
So happy you survived!

meg duerksen said...

that is awful.
a pitbull???
one time we had a squirrell in our mini van!

Family of 4.... said...

We have one that lives next door and I do NOT like him. His owner says he's okay but he is out all day and so the girls do not go in the backyard. Can't risk it. Today as my husband and I were doing yardwork and I got close to the fenceline in the front yard to pick some weeds that had sprouted, he barked. The only thing I did find that stopped him was when I watered near the fenceline and he walked away. Scary, but wonder if someone had sprayed him in the past??

I would have died, but I guess something to remember to close my bathroom door. My friend had a very nice pitbull, but I'm just not always sure of them.


Honour said...

so hilarious... even if I shut the door when I'm doing my business, it seems to be the time of day when something crrrrazy happens. Like the time my toddlers let a salesman into the house while I was occupied on the potty. Your story is much funnier.

forever folding laundry said...

Pitbulls scare me a lot.
And really, Beast?